If Athrun Was A Flamer
by Kiheada.Ray.T
Summary: (Here's some crack while Forbidden Love is on slight hiatus) Some lulz, alternate side-scenes for Forbidden Love and Unbidden Love as well as little snippets of an openly gay, fairy-esque Athrun Zala. Rated for naughty language and suggestive themes.


**If Athrun Was a Flamer**

**Disclaimer: I just…I don't claim any part of this. I wish my mind wasn't this disturbing XDDD. I also don't own any songs or references. That's right there are lyrics in here DEAL WITH IT.**

**Warning: Flaming Athrun has a pottymouth (curse words). Plus Yzak appears in this, so definitely some swearing involved. Sexual themes mentioned. A looooot of OOCness (mostly from Athrun). Yaoi.**

_This is an…experiment? I was running a marathon of GSD and began thinking of hilarious instances where Athrun is a total fairy. This isn't meant to be offensive, so I apologize if any of this behavior seems outrageous or triggering. This is just where my mind is at right now. I'm going to write this as alternate scenes for Forbidden Love, so they'll be scattered. Call them bloopers if you will. Oh, by the way, this is all crack. Don't do crack kids, you could end up like this._

_These are also completely out of sequence. Some of them take place before Forbidden Love, others during or in the future. It's all crack though, for the lulz._

* * *

><p><strong>Somewhere at the point where Shinn is acting smug about not being punished for giving Stella back to Neo and pretty much kicking everyone's ass, and Athrun releases him from the jail cell:<strong>

"See you later." He told Athrun with a sly grin.

"Oh you'll see me later." Athrun muttered. "I'ma get those handcuffs and cuff you to the bed, then beat you to a pulp. Then assrape you."

"What?" Luna asked.

"Forget that last part." He added sheepishly.

"SHINN! ATHRUN WANTS TO ASSRAPE YOU!" Luna yelled and Shinn stopped mid-step.

"I SAID FORGET THAT LAST PART LUNA!"

"He…what…" Shinn stammered.

Athrun grinned widely, sweat dropping.

"Wait, are you gay?" Shinn asked.

Athrun cocked an eyebrow. "For you baby," he began, pointing at Shinn with both hands in a gun-like fashion, "I could be." He said and winked, making that clicking sound usually produced with the hand action and wink.

Shinn's eye twitched.

"What about me?" Rey asked excitedly.

"No, not you." Athrun said with a serious face. Rey looked sad and disappointed. "I don't need another blonde, I already have Cagalli."

Shinn was still slightly unresponsive as Athrun continued. "And I already have a brunette—,"

"—who's the brunette?" Luna asked.

Athrun didn't reply. "—and I technically had a ginger, if pink hair qualifies." He turned back to Shinn. "Now it's time to go black. As they say, you never go back." He finished and wiggled his eyebrows at Shinn.

The boy's face paled. "I'm going to hide now…far, far away."

_Sometime later…_

Athrun opened the door to his room and his eyes suddenly brightened. "Ohhhh, so that's what they meant when they said there was a gift in my room!" he exclaimed and strode toward the bed. Shinn was lying on the bed, handcuffed to the headboard. His right leg was propped up and his mouth was taped shut. His eyes bugged as he saw Athrun.

"Hmmm, you look a bit warm. Need me to help you shed some clothing?" he asked and leaned down. Shinn shook his head, yelling against the tape as Athrun unbuttoned his coat. "Oops, looks like they didn't leave the keys."

Shinn kept shaking his head, and muffled cries came from behind the tape. "Oh alright, I'll leave you alone." Athrun said and Shinn relaxed. Athrun went to his bathroom and began changing. Actually, he just stripped down. "Well, time for bed!"

Shinn's eyes bugged out of his head again as Athrun crawled over him to lay on the side of the bed closest to the wall. As he reached out to turn off the lamp, his body was almost on top of Shinn's. Athrun looked up at the audience (because apparently these alternate scenes are taped live in studio) and flashed a grin. As the light went off, maniacal laughter could be heard from his room.

* * *

><p><strong>At a random shop while on the beach trip<strong>

"Does this dress make me look fat?" Athrun asked, twirling around in a strapless, pink, frilly _thing_.

Shinn and Kira had "what the fuck?" faces before a nosebleed which lead to passing out.

"Guess that's a no~"

**When Athrun joined Zaft again…**

"I'm so glad I get to wear my red suit again!" Athrun exclaimed as he put on his Zaft Elite uniform.

"Why?" Shinn asked.

"Because I look FAAAAABULOUUUUUS~!" the bluenette sang and began posing in front of a mirror. He put his hand in his hair and popped his hip out, then turned to admire his assets, then leaned forward with his hands on his knees and pretended to kiss the mirror.

Shinn's mouth twitched and his face was frozen in a disturbed expression.

Athrun continued posing, placing his hands on his hips and winking, blowing a kiss while lifting his foot back, then started leaning against the wall and in-between doorways.

"I'm out." Shinn said and ran from the room.

* * *

><p><strong>Athrun gets drunk…a lot…and apparently likes to make out with people when he's drunk…a lot<strong>

As the song "Shots" rang out in the bar, the boys in red were draped across a booth in a circle, taking turns drinking every time the word "shot" was mentioned.

"Okay, okay…" Dearka said after one round. "Athrun." He said, pointing to the bluenette. "I dare you to make out with Yzak."

"What? Hell no!" Yzak protested.

Athrun shrugged. "Okay." He said and pulled Yzak close, then put his mouth on the other man's and proceeded to take up the dare. At first Yzak struggled, but then he entangled his hand in Athrun's hair and deepened the kiss.

_Ten minutes later…_

"Okay you can stop now. Guys. Seriously, you can stop now. Hey! YZAK!" Dearka yelled and pulled Yzak back.

"What who?" Yzak said, looking dazed. Athrun leaned back with a foxy grin.

"Jealous Dearka?" Athrun asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Alright, that's it. I'm the resident Playboy around here and I demand satisfaction!" Dearka said and switched places with Yzak.

Athrun sent another look to the live audience. "Your wish is my command." He said in a low voice and they began the make-out session.

_Ten minutes later…_

"Hey Nicol…" Yzak asked when he finally took his eyes off the pair.

Nicol was still passed out cold from the first make-out session.

Yzak sighed and tipped back his drink, only to find it empty. "Fuck this, I'm gonna dance." He said and left.

"Okay Zala…" Dearka said as they finally ended their embrace. "You win…you're the Ultimate Player."

"Eyyy!" Athrun replied with a wink.

"Where'd Yzak go?" Dearka asked.

"He said he was gonna dance." Athrun said and drank another shot.

Dearka shot off the booth and ran to the dance floor. Athrun's eyes wandered until they fell on Nicol.

"Hey Nicol…hey…Niiiicoool…" he called, nudging the green-haired man. Then he flashed another grin. "Good, still knocked out." He said and leaned down.

* * *

><p><strong>He's even gay for Gundam<strong>

_(A bit of explanation for this particular idea: So I did a pic for the line where Athrun is like "Justice? I AM Justice!" in Chapter 14 and realized it looks like Athrun is fondling his Gundam's…no-no place. So this is where another gem comes in…)_

"Do you ever notice Athrun…getting real intimate with his Gundams?" Kira asked Shinn.

"I dunno." Shinn shrugged. Athrun is stumbling around with a bottle in his hand. Drunk. Again.

"Hey Justice, c'mere! Hey, don't do me like that! I OWN YOU BITCH GET THAT FINE METAL ASS OVER HERE!" Athrun yelled.

His Gundam literally, I shit you not, is huddled in the corner shaking and whimpering.

Athrun shrugged. "Oh well. Heyyyy Iiiiiimpuuuuulse!" he called and walked toward Shinn's Gundam.

"Oh hell no! Not my Gundam!" Shinn yelled and chased him around the hangar. "DON'T YOU DARE VIOLATE MY IMPULSE!"

"Shinn, aren't you piloting the Destiny now?" Kira asked after thinking for a moment.

Athrun heads toward the Destiny Gundam.

"Oh right. ATHRUN NO! DON'T YOU DARE VIOLATE MY DESTINY!" Shinn yelled.

Kira snickered at the wordplay.

* * *

><p><strong>Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like Athrun?<strong>

_(So apparently he and Yzak had a "thing")_

"Hey Yzak!" Athrun called as he entered the main gathering hole with a boombox in his hands. That's right, a boombox. Because he's a 90's kid now.

"What do you want, Zala?" Yzak scoffed. He was sitting next to Dearka with a casual arm nonchalantly draped across the blonde's shoulder. Just hanging there, all non-threatening like. Waiting for Dearka to not notice it slip down across his chest and—

Athrun pressed play and began to dance, singing to the lyrics. "_Don't you wish your boyfriend was HOT like me? Don't you wish your boyfriend was a FREAK like me? Don'tcha!_"

"ATHRUN I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Yzak roared and chased after the giggling blue-haired teen.

"…hey! That wasn't nice. I'm hot." Dearka said after realizing what Athrun did.

Athrun kept singing as Yzak chased him. "_I know you like me, I know you do, that's why whenever I come around he's all over you!_"

"C'mere Zala! Quit running and let me hit you!" Yzak screamed, grabbing at the red jacket tails as Athrun ran. They crisscrossed around the room, running around furniture, before running into the hall. The boombox was still in his hand, loud for all the ship to hear. If they didn't hear Athrun first.

"_I know you want it, it's easy to see, and in the back of your mind I know you should be on with me!_"

"ATHRUN STAHP!"

Athrun got to a spot where Yzak couldn't reach him and began dancing suggestively (booty shakin') as he continued to the chorus. "_Don't you wish your boyfriend was RAW like me? Don't you wish you boyfriend was FUN like me? Don'tcha! Don'tcha!_"

"Athrun friggin' Zala, get your sexyfine ass off the coffee machine!"

"Yes Commander le Creuset." Athrun chirped, turning off the boombox and jumping down to the floor where Yzak was glaring daggers at him.

"Commander, he was harassing me! Permission to punish, sir!" Yzak yelled, pointing at Athrun.

"Oooooo, do I get spankings?" Athrun asked excitedly, clapping.

Underneath the white mask, Rau quirked an eyebrow. "Whatevs." He replied, drinking out of his coffee as he walked away.

"WEEEEEEEEEE!" Athrun squealed as Yzak threw him over his shoulder and stormed down the hall. "Hiiiiiii Nicol!" he called, waving to the green-haired teen as they passed by.

Nicol dropped whatever he was holding, a dumbstruck look on his face. Dearka stood next to Nicol, propped up in the doorway. "I'd tap that, would you?"

Nicol slowly turned to stare at Dearka with a horrified expression.

"What?" Dearka exclaimed.

* * *

><p><strong>Never give Athrun an energy drink<strong>

"Oh my gundam I'm soooooo hungry!" Athrun moaned, draped upside down across the couch. Shinn entered his vision and he scrambled over to him. "FEED MEEEEEE! I'm hungry please feed me I want to omnomnommmm!" he said quickly, jumping up and down.

"Woah, chill out there crazy. I'm not the cook, remember? You are. Besides, why are you acting so weird?" Shinn replied.

"I had a Red Bull today. Red Bull gives you wiiiiings!" he squealed and mounted the top of the couch. "I can fly now, look! Weeeeeee!" he continued and jumped off the couch, flapping his arms like wings.

"No, Athrun get down from there you can't fly! Athrun! You're going to hurt yourself!" Shinn said, trying to calm the man down.

"_I belieeeeve I can flyyyyy_!" he sang.

"Nooooo you can't! Get down from there!"

"_I belieeeve I can touch the skyyyy_!"

"Oh what the hell." Shinn mumbled, throwing up his hands.

"_I think about it every niiight and dayyy_!"

Kira walked in, seeing Athrun flapping his arms on top of the dresser.

"_Spread my wiiiings and flyyy awayyyyy_!"

As he sipped his drink, Kira watched Athrun jump from the dresser and fall flat on the ground.

"Owwww."

"That's what happens when you're an idiot!" Shinn yelled from the kitchen. Kira nodded, still sipping his drink as he looked at Athrun writhing on the ground.

"MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FABULOUS GLORIOUS FACE!" Athrun shrieked, clutching his face.

"Since when did you become a babysitter?" Kira asked Shinn.

"Since he decided energy drinks were a good idea for his happy ass." Shinn replied snarkily.

"You should probably put him in a cage or something so he doesn't hurt himself." Kira suggested.

"Or I could just tie him up and beat him with a stick."

"Oooo, me likey being tied up!" Athrun said when he was done screaming.

* * *

><p><strong>Athrun is a strong independent black woman who don't need no man<strong>

"Uh uh girlfrieeeend." Athrun sassed, waving his finger in the air with a hand on his hip. His head followed the finger while his lips were pursed—the completely classy (sassy) way to express disagreement.

"I just asked if you wanted some popcorn." Shinn said, confused and slightly traumatized by his boyfriend's behavior.

"Bitch are you calling me fat? I'll have you know these curves are what other men call BOOTYLICIOUS!" Athrun replied, turning to stick his ass in Shinn's face. The words "Juicy" were scrawled across the tight fabric.

"Athrun you're a twig."

"WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOMMA?"

Shinn turned to Kira. "If I ignore it will it go away?"

Kira shrugged, watching the display while eating popcorn.

"Oh no it's _on_ now hoe. Hold my earrings, guuurl." Athrun said, pretending to take out earrings and handing them to Kira.

"MAKE IT STOP!" Shinn yelled as he was tackled to the ground.

"TAKE IT! I HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS FOR ALMOST A YEAR AND NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!" Yzak screamed from the background, poking his head around the corner.

"Oh there goes my bitch Yzak, excuse me while I smack dat ass." Athrun said and skipped off in Yzak's direction.

"No no no no nooooo! Get away! I'M NOT YOUR BITCH ZALA!" Yzak yelled as he was being chased.

"Come get my sweet lovin' honey bun! Daddy just wants some sugar! Don't _make_ me hit you with my pimp cane!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE A PIMP CANE!"

"WELL I CAN GET ONE!"

"This is better than the movie." Kira commented as he watched.

"I don't…understand…what's happening." Shinn stammered from the ground.

* * *

><p><strong>Something random and non-yaoi because it needed to happen<strong>

Yuna is in the process of flirting with Cagalli when Athrun Zala—in the guise of Alex Dino—rounds the corner. Spotting them, he freezes, then his face begins to contort with rage.

"MOTHERFLIPPIN' COCKPIT EXPLOSION!" he curses loudly, the common Gundam curse, of course. "GET YO HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!" the not-so-normal addition is yelled as he runs forward, tackling Yuna to the ground.

"What the hell are you doing Alex Dino?!" Yuna exclaims, screaming like a girl.

"BISH I AM ATHRUN ZALA AND CAGALLI IS MY GIRL!" Athrun yelled, punching Yuna repeatedly.

"Hey stop! I mean pffffft oh Athrun, my hero!" Cagalli cooed, swooning. "Wait a sec. Did you say I'm _your_ girl?"

Athrun stopped pummeling Yuna and got up to face her. "That's right. Mine. Not his."

"So I'm…property?" she glared.

"Uhhh….nope. Just not his."

"Which would indicate I belong to someone, which you seem to think is you."

"I LIKED IT SO I PUT A RING ON IT! MY GIRL BEYONCÉ TOLD ME TO DO IT!"

Cagalli's face twitched at this latest statement, thrown off guard. "Well, yes…but…"

"It's strict man-code NOT to hit on a woman with a ring on it. Yuna broke the man-code. So I broke his face."

"That's nice and all, and I appreciate the chivalric effort, but…"

"Oh I get it. I can leave. Yuna's ugly mug could be looking at you at that altar. I could show up with the Savior and prevent Kira from saving your ass. Up to you."

"No, no, that's fine."

"That's what I thought." Athrun replied, putting on his shades. "Dino out." He added and strode away.

"He has such a great ass…" Cagalli sighed as she watched him walk away.

He poked his head around the corner and flashed a wicked grin. "Thanks!"

* * *

><p><strong>Athrun Rage Quits<strong>

After trying to protect the crew of the Minerva, Athrun has had enough. Not only are these ungrateful little bastards, well, _ungrateful_, but they also have an attitude. And Zala don't DO attitude. Shinn runs his mouth off all the time, bitching and moaning about how awesome he is and how bad he has it. Luna and Mey follow him around like lovesick little puppies. Rey is a robot with no thoughts or emotions. Can _anyone_ appreciate what this sexy brunette does for them?

"That's it, I quit." He throws his hands up (in the air sometimes, singing heyyy-oh, gotta leeet-go). Walking out of the briefing room after Shinn starts running his mouth about their next big plan, he points at each person. "You're a douche. Douche, douche_bag_, you three are a couple of douche canoes. Asshat. Jerkface." and saving the best one for last, he points to…some random crewmember. "SLLLUUUUUUT!" (1)

Birds are flying in the air as he twirls out, backing into the elevator with rage face in full activation mode. And by birds I mean two middle fingers held up high. He continues the insults and gestures to everyone he meets until he gets to the hangar. As he's heading toward the hangar, Captain Gladys appears on one of the screens, hollering at him to come back.

"Nope." He replies, and continues replying after each thing she says. "Nope, nope. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Nope." He is lifted into the cockpit and brings his Gundam to life.

"ATHRUN ZALA, YOU GET YOUR FLAMING ASS BACK INTO THIS ROOM RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Talia screams over the intercom. "YOU BETTER NOT THINK ABOUT LEAVING. HEY, DON'T YOU DARE—FUCK YOU ATHRUN THAT WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD DOOR YOU JUST BLASTED THROUGH AND WE JUST OT IT FIXED AND—," she continued to nag.

"Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope." He continued, flying out of the hanger and into space. Radio signals could pick up his wavelength and were startled to repeatedly hear the same word uttered in a dejected manner. "Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope."

* * *

><p><strong>Athrun is a mother hen<strong>

_(When I see the way Athrun treats Shinn and by extension the other pilots, it makes me feel as if he's a mother hen trying to protect his chicks. Shinn sees it as being a bossy prick, Luna and Mey just want to bang him, and Rey doesn't care. But he's so protective, he can't help but act like an older brother. Like "C'mere and get under my wings, Momma will save you" and they all just squawk and go in opposite directions so he has to fly after them and stuff them in his embrace. This pretty much sums up Gundam Seed Destiny.) _

He sits huddled in the corner, bawling his eyes out. A group is gathered around him, concern on their faces.

"I just want to put you under my wiiiiiings!" he cried.

"But you're not a bird." Luna replied.

"Momma will save you my precious little chickies!" he cried louder.

"What the hell is he doing now? Is this PMS?" Shinn asked.

"You don't listen to anything I say, you always get in trouble, and you treat me like shit! I JUST WANNA LOVE YOU!" he yelled. "I mean I JUST WANNA PROTECT YOU!" he added quickly.

"We don't _need_ your protection." Shinn huffed.

Suddenly Athrun was in his face. "Oh really? Without me out there saving your ass every day guess where you'd be? In a five foot coffin motherfucker, a FIVE FOOT BLOODY COFFIN! So don't _tell_ me you don't 'need' my help." he exclaimed, using his fingers as quotation marks.

He received a squawk in return. Suddenly they were all chickens, with him as a hen and the others as baby chicks, squawking and running around in opposite directions. With an indignant screech, he flies after each one and stuffs them into his embrace.

"Athrun what the fuck are you doing? Seriously you're choking me. Whyyyyy?" he heard Shinn shouting.

Waking up from what was obviously a strange dream, he realized he was clutching Shinn, as well as Luna, Mey, Rey, and even Captain Gladys to his chest and stomach.

"Could you please let us go now, Commander? This isn't exactly how I imagined finally getting to touch you." Mey said.

"Yes, this is hardly appropriate, even if you _are_ a FAITH officer." Captain Gladys added.

"Oh my Gundam you're crushing me!" Luna wheezed.

"Oops…" he replied and let them all go. "My baaaaad."

"You said something about being a mother hen trying to protect her chicks, then demanded we all stay under your wings. Then when we tried to leave you went berserk, making strange squawking noises and grabbing us. I think you should get checked out." Talia told him.

Athrun twitched. "Nawwww, I'm fine. Just had a weird dream is all."

* * *

><p><strong>-Author's Note: I hope you laughed, because I sure did. There will probably be more one day, especially once I get around to watching the rest of the remastered Destiny episodes they have on YouTube.<strong>

**This quote is actually from my favorite movie: Liar, Liar. Oh Jim Carrey, you're the funniest man alive, I don't care what anyone says.**


End file.
